The Unspoken Etiquette of Hand-Me-Downs: Please Stop Giving Me Trash

Everyone knows that babies are expensive, which is why when I got pregnant, I was eager to accept hand-me-downs from friends and family. I said yes to everything, only to realise a few weeks in that not all secondhand items are a blessing. Yellowing onesies, a rocker splotched with mysterious brown patches, and sticky silicone tableware were just a few of the items we ended up throwing away. 

Even after our baby was born, the so-called gifts kept coming. Think mouldy fabric books, a stained pumping bra with crusty edges, and toys that were unopened, but that had obviously been sitting in someone’s storeroom for a decade. 

IMAGE: 123RF

Don’t get me wrong: I will forever be grateful to my friends and family for thinking of us. I’ve saved literally thousands of dollars thanks to their generosity. I nearly cried when a friend passed me her like-new bottle steriliser and baby crib, and my baby ended up preferring the lived-in fabric of her hand-me-down bamboo sleepsuits over the new sleepsuits that I’d bought for her.

Zip swaddles can cost $50 when purchased new, so you’d better believe that I got all of mine preloved. My baby is also currently enjoying a third-hand Baby Bjorn bouncer (retailing at almost $400 in stores) in great condition–the giver’s only stipulation being that I take good care of it so that I can pass it to another set of parents in our friend group after they give birth to their second child. 

Overall, giving away hand-me-downs is a good thing: not only does it help others save money, but it’s the eco-conscious choice, as sharing resources can help reduce waste overall. It also helps new parents - especially first-timers - feel thought of and supported. (When I was recovering postpartum, I also happily used my friends’ leftover packs of adult diapers, breast pads, and instant ice maxi pads - things I never thought to buy, but that fellow mums knew are expensive to purchase at the hospital!). 

But the reality is that some items are so worn out or broken that they’re more of a burden than a blessing for the recipient. As if I don’t already have enough to deal with, now I’m responsible for discarding and/or recycling your clutter? Thanks!!

IMAGE: 123RF

Take, for instance, breast pumps. As a first-time mum, I was pretty unprepared for the difficulties of pumping and breastfeeding. Not until I started developing plugged ducts while using a secondhand pump did I realise the importance of using a pump with a new (or at least like-new) motor. As someone who uses her breast pump roughly five times a day, and who plans to breastfeed for a year, I wouldn’t feel comfortable giving my pump away to a first-time breastfeeding mum. Even if I were to give her a heads up on its condition, I’d feel somewhat responsible if she ended up like me - clogging due to a worn-out motor. 

To all the soon-to-be-mums out there: if someone offers you a secondhand pump, ask how long it’d been used, how frequently the previous user pumped, and how long it had been since she’d last used it. If the answer is something like, “I bought it new and used it for only a month before deciding to use formula instead”, then you can consider accepting it. But if the owner’s kid is now 7 years old, and she pumped exclusively when he was a baby, just politely say thanks, but no thanks. 

Be wary about accepting used car seats as well, since these have an expiry date. It’s also perfectly fair to examine a stroller before accepting it - does the hood have any holes? Are the joints rusty? How easy is it to open and close - and how clean is the fabric? 

I can’t tell you how many times I heard the line “just take it, if it’s no good, feel free to dispose of it”, but this made me feel like I was being treated as a convenient dumping ground, rather than as a mum in need. As pure as your intentions might be in giving them away, unusable hand-me-downs exact a practical and emotional toll on the giver. Dealing with unnecessary clutter is stressful. The unspoken obligation to accept things we don’t need feels awkward. Sorting through and disposing of unusable items can take hours. Finding the time - and a place! - where we can properly recycle them takes even longer! 

IMAGE: 123RF

Now that my baby’s almost five months old, I’m the one sorting through old items, deciding what to give away and what to throw out. (We wrote a whole article on this a couple of years ago.) I’ll be the first to admit that not everything I’ll give away will be in mint condition: some of the sleep sacks are a little pilled, but they’re not stained, and the zippers still work. My plastic breast pump flanges aren’t new, but they're crack-free. Even though they're in working condition, as the giver, I’ve made it a point to be honest with friends upfront so that they can decide whether or not to take these items. 

Whenever hand-me-downs are given with care and consideration, they can strengthen bonds between seasoned parents and new parents. Let’s give away our old things in the spirit of sharing and generosity, not just in the spirit of offloading and decluttering. 

When in doubt, ask yourself: would I use this for my own baby? Would I use this if I were freshly postpartum? If the answer is no, remember that a shiny new gift or a red envelope can work wonders too. 

For the latest updates on Wonderwall.sg, be sure to follow us on TikTok, Telegram, Instagram, and Facebook. If you have a story idea for us, email us at [email protected].