My Biggest Parenting Struggle Wasn't My Kids — It Was My Overbearing Mum

Parenting is hard enough, let alone when our parents – proud new grandparents - start mothering our children. Granted, they have lots of legitimate, hard-earned experiences they want to share, but it really triggers me when I hear, “We brought you (or your partner) up, and you turned out fine”. Just because they love their grandkids and want to be involved in their lives, doesn't mean they have the right to interfere with the way I raise my children.

But how do you tactfully ask your parents to not parent your own kids?

Over the years, I had had enough of feeling like I was not the primary parent, having constant tension or arguments with my parents (or in-laws) over parenting decisions, and then, feeling guilty for upsetting them! But disregarding my parenting rules, overstepping boundaries with unsolicited advice or criticising my choices, undermining my authority, and being overly controlling so that the kids didn’t have any space to explore things on their own, was just not okay.

But how do you set healthy boundaries with parents or in-laws without completely rebuking the previous generation? It’s a daunting task at most times - but a necessary one so that you don’t start feeling angry or resentful towards them. And children need to know who’s in charge. If they even sense a division of authority, you’re done for. Not only does knowing who’s in charge make them feel safe, but if they're getting one message from me and a different one from grandma, that’s neither healthy nor productive (I learnt that the hard way). 

These are a few things I did to set healthy boundaries with my parents and in-laws:

IMAGE: 123RF

I reminded myself that they grew up in a different time

The world was a different place when I was a child, and yes, our parents did an amazing job raising us - but it’s a totally different world now. For me, the biggest difference was the move in (from their) typical (Asian) discipline and standards, to what I wanted for my child. For instance, boys should not cry or express their emotions, because that makes them weak, so my children were told to ‘suck it up and be strong, rather than talk about it’ ….er, hello?!

I had to remind the grandparents that there was a whole generation of parenting in between them being parents and me being a mum now, especially with more information and guidance on nutrition, infant needs, safety issues, etc. Moreover, the generation gap was also getting larger, as my generation was having children later, so grandparents were even further removed from their parenting years.

I stood up for my parenting style

I didn’t realise how far apart our viewpoints were until we were in the thick of petty squabbles, power struggles, and undermining my authority, on almost a weekly basis. Sure, dust-ups with parents or in-laws aren’t anything new, but parenting styles have also changed massively from then to now. For instance, my mum believed in letting the baby cry himself to sleep, as it made him stronger - and anyway, babies cry!

I had a more nurturing approach in my mind for children, so I didn’t hesitate in pushing back against that idea and picking up my child every time he cried. If soothing my child when he cried and making him feel loved and safer would spoil him, then so be it. And I firmly requested my mum to do the same with my child too. As a new parent learning the ropes, it’s natural for grandparents to want to step in and parent again. But the only way I was going to understand parenting was by being with my baby - and make mistakes along the way.

Grandparents have to give us the room to do so. Needless to say, they weren’t happy, but it was a necessary boundary.



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I tried to understand that my parents are making up for past failings 

I realised early on that sometimes, my mum was trying to make up for her (unknowing) mistakes with me through my child. But when that meant criticising most choices my child was trying to make independently himself, and directing him to make better choices (aka her choices), she was killing his self confidence and stifling all his independent expression. Be it his choice of dressing, a particular movie he wants to watch, nothing was right or good enough.

So I actually introduced my mum to The Gardener and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik, about how many parents today view their children as entities they can mold into a specific image. To quote Gopnik, “They act like carpenters who are over-involved as parents trying to mold children into successful adults. Instead, they should be more like gardeners, providing good conditions and letting the “plants” just grow themselves.” So spot on!

I explained to my mum that I wanted my child to just be himself, and to give him the space and freedom of just growing, by making his own little choices at this stage please.

I set boundaries with my mum

Following on from the point above, as children get older, their need for independence, autonomy, and privacy, grows too. Interfering with every aspect of my child’s life, and undermining my decisions especially when it came to school, sports teams, project work, and more, was clearly overstepping the line. And trying to manage his time so that he didn't have any free time to be bored, was not okay either. I was totally okay for my child to be bored from time to time. It’s good for him!

Instead of letting my mum bad-mouth me and my decisions, I firmly told her to be more supportive of my choices, and to stop undermining me. It would give her a better chance of having a better relationship with her grandchild when she just had to enjoy them, rather than worry about how to be a good parent again.


IMAGE: 123RF

I stopped conquering and dividing

Sometimes it’s easier to be firm in boundaries with your own parents, but when it comes to your in-laws, it's easier to get your partner to talk to his parents. And ditto, instead of communicating something with me, sometimes my parents-in-law conveniently sidestepped me by going to my partner with their concerns and suggestions, believing it would be easier to overstep their boundaries in this way. Gently, we had to remind them that you and your partner are one team and stand united together on anything when it comes to the children.

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