How To Set Boundaries Between Your Kids And Relatives

Boundaries are like guardrails; we need them to let people know just where to stop in a relationship and what we need to feel comfortable and safe around them. We often don’t realise just how much we struggle with setting boundaries until we become mothers. For instance, forcing your child to hug or show physical affection to someone they are uncomfortable with (especially out of obligatory filial piety) is just not acceptable anymore. We owe it to our children to do better for them and to protect them better, even if it means from relatives who may be caregivers.

A new set of guidelines issued by the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) and non-profit, early childhood development institute KidStart last December detail (suggested) appropriate boundaries in daily caregiving for young children. These ‘guidelines on healthy family boundaries’ in areas such as expressing affection, privacy and toileting are meant to be seen as a useful tool to help coach parents on setting healthy boundaries and practices. Forcing children to hug someone they are uncomfortable around or afraid of, is now considered inappropriate behaviour. Ms. Yogeswari Munisamy, senior principal social worker at the MSF’s Child Protective Service, said, “When family boundaries become blurred – often unintentionally – it can create situations where children are vulnerable to harm.”

I couldn’t agree more.

So how exactly can we set up boundaries to keep our children safer? Here’s how to start:

Overcome the fear of setting boundaries

Let’s be honest. Setting boundaries with family members can be scary, especially if they help look after your child while you’re at work. After all, how many of us were able to set up healthy boundaries for ourselves when it came to overbearing mothers-in-law?

But know that setting boundaries with in-laws and family members isn’t disrespectful or rude. Rather, it's to help everyone have a happy and healthy relationship in the long run, rather than have to put up with unhealthy conflict (forever). I know boundary setting is not going to feel good at first; but trust the alternative is worse, especially for your child.

IMAGE: PEXELS

It’s ok to say NO

Mustering up the guts to ‘NO’ to a relative is often quite terrifying, especially if it is an older family member. But instead of feeling guilty or second-guessing your decision, remember that you’re doing this to protect your child from a forced hug, an unsafe touch, or perhaps even having your child being in a room alone with that adult.

You are modelling a behaviour that you want your child to learn - that it’s okay to say no if you’re feeling uncomfortable in a particular situation. This teaches children autonomy and empowers them to start setting their own personal boundaries too, and not have to stay quiet about inappropriate actions.

Be clear on exactly what your boundaries are

Sometimes we might actually be a little ambiguous in expressing our boundaries, just because we are nervous about offending the other person. But it is important to be straightforward and clear about why the boundaries you’re setting are important to you. Sometimes if the other person can understand your point of view and reasoning, they might be better able to honour your boundaries without taking offence.

That said, you don’t owe anyone an explanation when it comes to prioritising your child’s safety and comfort! Communicate clearly and directly about the lines you want to establish, so that there is no room for misunderstandings. If it helps, use the new government-issued guidelines mentioned above to help set the boundaries for your child, and what family members (especially of the opposite sex) can expect NOT to do.

IMAGE: PEXELS

Don’t forget to set digital boundaries too

It’s not just physical boundaries that you worry about as a parent. Digital boundaries can also be a very real threat for some children. You can set boundaries on what sort of movies or cartoons you are not comfortable with your child being shown. Ditto for social media that isn’t age-appropriate.

Prepare for pushback but firmly stand your ground

It’s normal to have family members get angry about your way of parenting and criticise the need for boundaries with YOUR child. Listen patiently to their ‘tantrum’ and firmly stand your ground. Reassure them politely that the boundaries are not to be taken personally but it is important for you that they respect your needs and what is important to you, and that hopefully they can understand that, and you wanting to create a healthier dynamic between the whole family. It’s not easy, but remember who you are setting the boundary for. 

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