Adulting 201: What I Wish I Knew About Caring For Ageing Parents In Singapore

Let’s talk about taking care of our ageing parents. Yes, I know: Advanced Care Planning, Lasting Powers of Attorney, and eldercare support aren't exactly the most exciting things on a to-do list. Besides, we don’t talk about our parents getting older unless we want to complain.

But as they move into their 60s (or in my dad's case, their 80s), the family dynamic starts to shift. We find ourselves thinking about their medical appointments, finances, legal paperwork and what happens if something goes wrong.

My sister and I didn’t think we needed to be concerned about such things. Until we needed to with my dad.

Being a caregiver for an ageing parent in Singapore

Back when the pandemic was in full swing, he had to be hospitalised. Already, his body wasn’t great – he’d been on a mild cocktail of medication for various issues including diabetes, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure.

We’d noticed he was getting more forgetful, often repeating questions he’d asked minutes before. So, since he was already getting other tests done, we told the doctors to also test for his mental acuity.

The results weren’t great: my dad had dementia. 

Even worse, a few days before he was discharged, he contracted COVID-19 while still in the hospital, meaning he had to spend another three weeks in isolation.

As it turns out, being stuck in a hospital for nearly eight weeks isn't ideal for someone with dementia. Generally, you want them to engage their mental faculties through interactions and activities, not be isolated in a room where no one can talk to them.

But that was the hand we were dealt with.

We don't think about caring for our parents when we're younger, but that's actually the best time to start thinking about it. | IMAGE: UNSPLASH

In the months that followed, we embarked on a steep learning curve about what looking after ageing parents really entailed.

It’s more than just popping in for a weekly visit. It’s about planning ahead, having honest conversations and making sure everyone knows what happens next – preferably before a crisis forces your hand.

Yes, it sounds daunting, but it's manageable if you prepare and plan ahead. That's why I’m sharing what I wish I'd known (and acted on) much earlier. (Note: I can only speak from my experience – everyone’s different.)

Dealing with Advanced Care Planning (ACP)

When my dad was admitted to hospital, one of the first things the hospital asked us to do was kickstart the process of Advanced Care Planning (ACP).

Basically, an ACP lets your parents record their healthcare values, preferences and wishes, so loved ones and healthcare teams have a better idea of what matters to them if they can no longer speak or make decisions for themselves.

Prepping an ACP with the doctor or social worker can help medical staff when treating your parents. | IMAGE: PEXELS

I don’t know about you, but this was not a fun chat. Imagine asking your parents, “Hey, if you were brain-dead, would you like to be on life support?” Or “Hmm, what do you think about DNR (do not resuscitate) orders?”

No, not light at all. That said, starting the conversation now can help reduce stress, uncertainty and family disagreements later because it’s already been laid out. The ACP is also something the hospital will follow until they’re told otherwise.

Applying for a Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA)

Like the ACP, the LPA or Lasting Power of Attorney isn’t something we normally bring up with our parents. It's something to discuss for later. But, as it turns out, "later" can sometimes be "too late".

In short, an LPA lets your parents appoint someone they trust to make decisions about their personal welfare and property on their behalf, from bank accounts to title deeds, should they lose their mental capacity. The LPA also gives you the authority to sign contracts on their behalf.

Plus point: your parents can rest easy knowing they have someone they know and trust to get things done; and you won’t have to face any legal hassles when it comes to decision making.

Getting an LPA now can save a lot of headaches in the future. | IMAGE: PEXELS

My sis and I were all in to do the LPA, as we’d completed the initial paperwork. Unfortunately, the doctors gave their diagnosis on the morning we were to get the LPA done.

Because of that, he wasn’t allowed to do the LPA, as one of the requirements is to be of sound mind. If you have dementia, that disqualifies you.

So, we had to apply to the court for deputyship, a process that the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) says can take 6 to 12 months to process.

In our case, it took more than a year, and let’s just say our legal fees could have paid for a comfortable two-week holiday in Japan for both our families.

Getting help from the Agency for Integrated Care (AIC)

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a child? Well, the same can be said for looking after our parents. You don't need to do everything by yourself.

One village you can tap on is the Agency for Integrated Care (AIC). For us, it was a game changer. AIC acts as an aggregator for medical services and can help families find home nursing, home personal care, day care, nursing homes and respite care.

It hooked us up with the Home Nursing Foundation, which provided a nurse to visit and help with medication, wound care and other nursing needs.

We also had someone from Eldersit pop by the house occasionally to do nothing but engage with my dad. They basically talked to him and kept him occupied for a couple of hours so that the caregiver could get some rest.

AIC provided us with some great advice on grants and subsidies and other schemes that helped with the financial burden. They pointed to government-subsidised home healthcare items under Singapore's Seniors’ Mobility and Enabling Fund (SMF), which provided us with discounts on selected items.

We sent my dad’s domestic helper on several medical courses to learn practical skills like giving injections and dispensing medication. | IMAGE: PEXELS

At one point, we even tapped on home-care agencies that could provide trained professionals to look after my dad through the night (dementia sufferers sometimes don’t sleep and this can go on for days).

Agencies offering such services include Homage and NTUC Health Home Care. Someone I know even found help on Carousell (no, I'm not kidding).

Be prepared to do things you never thought you needed to do

Caregiving can be super stressful because we're dealing with unfamiliar situations. It's painful watching someone who used to be so full of life become so frail and helpless in their old age. But this isn't just "someone" – it's your mum or dad. And that makes it different.

It's even worse if they're addled with a disease that has no cure, like dementia. With my dad, his dementia has reached a stage where he's incapable of doing the most basic things for himself.

He has to be fed, clothed and washed by someone else. I never thought I'd have to clean my dad after he's popped himself. It's like looking after a baby - but this "baby" is bigger and weighs 10 times more. And yes, that makes all the difference.

Homecare services, where someone engages your elderly parent, allows you to get some respite. | IMAGE: PEXELS

Also, you have to remember that while this is scary for you – it's probably scary for your parents, too.

Things can get overwhelming pretty quickly. And you know what? Chances are, people will forget that. They'll ask: "How's your mum or dad doing?" but you seldom hear: "How are you coping with all this?"

Caregiving can be a thankless task. It’s tedious, stressful and mentally fatiguing, especially if you're also juggling work, your own family and your personal pursuits.

Get help for you, too

The thing is, it's okay to give yourself a break. Looking after your own wellbeing isn't selfish or a bad thing. It's what you need to do to keep on keeping on.

The Beatles once sang about getting by with a little help from their friends. And you won't believe how true that is. Simply talking about it with someone else can make a difference.

I found relief immersing myself in music. Once I had my headphones on and hit “play” on my favourite tracks, everything just seemed a little better.

Having someone to lean on is important in your caregiving journey. | IMAGE: UNSPLASH

There are also more formal respite care and support groups that you or the caregiver can join to connect with people facing similar challenges. Sharing is caring, right? 

Options include CREST, a community outreach team that has mental health screening and emotional support; and COMIT, which provides assessment, counselling and therapy for adults, including caregiver support.

Or you can call the "National Mindline", 1771, which provides 24/7 mental health support by phone, WhatsApp and online chat.

There's no need to be completely burnt out before asking for help. It doesn't mean you're letting your parents down.

It means you're giving yourself what you need to keep going. 

For the latest updates on Wonderwall.sg, be sure to follow us on TikTok, Telegram, Instagram, and Facebook. If you have a story idea for us, email us at [email protected].